Oh, the joys of head injuries

Itʻs been two weeks since the last update. Sigh – still need to send in the BARD application. And still need to clean and clear a lot at home. But the daily life sometimes seems to have taken too much of me.

The weather has been rough on the past few weeks, and on top of that weʻve both had a cold. Itʻs getting a bit tiring.

But back to homework – head injuries. Why do I have to write about them? I donʻt want to remember any of them. But letʻs get on with it – so I can at least get some ID stuff and figure how to take a bus…

I vaguely remember falling from a kidsʻ playground equipment when I was about four. That made my two front teeth loose, and I was taken to a hospital, but I donʻt think it was anything else, other than my mum being panicky.

When I was six, I fell on a bookcase. The corner made a cut on the back of my head. There was a good amount of blood, but it was fixed with ten stitches (and a group of nurse or doctor students observing the stitching up part) – again, no biggie as far as Iʻm concerted. This was on the back of my head, and I donʻt think any bones were broken.

Then letʻs see. Iʻve been running and riding a bicycle for a good many years of my life. Iʻve fallen several times, a few of them drunk, but no head injuries as far as anything that I recall – and nothing to make me wake up in a hospital. When I was studying in Italy, I did faint at a friendʻs place once, but that was after many weeks of problems with my lungs. So that was more of a lung issue than hitting my head. Then fast forward – two stays in a hospital because of kidney infections, in different countries, and once I was mugged in Paris in 2002. I woke up approximately six hours later in a hospital, with money and driverʻs license gone. That time I had a bad headache, a black eye on my right eye that lasted for weeks, and the bone around my eyebrow on that side was tender for quite a few months. I probably should have stayed a bit longer in that hospital, but I had to catch my bus back home to Italy the same night. So a quick trip to a local police station – with a bum ride in the underground, and explaining in bad Spanish what had happened, and fortunately my passport and ticket were safely in the hostel I was staying at. That bus ride was not very fun. I got over it – got the driverʻs license replaced with the police certificate, forgot the black eye, and the humiliating experience, and moved on.

One of the kidney things I mentioned actually happened in 2004, so chronologically after the Paris nightmare, but I donʻt think it matters for this story.

I know what happened last year. I donʻt want any reminders of it. I donʻt EVER want to have anyone pull a gun on my back, especially while Iʻm on the ground already. I think I COULD HAVE got quite a bit of brain damage that night AFTER THAT GUN “INCIDENT” and on the four days after it. Iʻm very interested in getting the full records for proper investigation too – with a lawyer of mine. Iʻm tired of being made feel like Iʻm BROKEN, BRAIN-DAMAGED, and FAULTY. FINE: you started it. Let me fight for it: let me try to get it as a proper ADA-approved “FAULTY” then.

Let me remind again: I had a bad vision before my eye surgeries. Bad as in without my glasses, such as when I was showering naked, I did not see my fingers or toes – I knew they were there, I shaved and showered as any normal person would, and thatʻs it. NO ONE described my having a shower in my own home or cleaning in my own home as “behaviors” or “signs of behavior”.

I had the eye surgeries, and they fixed my central part of the vision. Now let me introduce you to some optometrists if you need more details. In translation and summarized, my shit eyesight for dummies: when itʻs dark OR when my pupils are LARGE FOR ANY REASON, MY VISION IS BAD. I have the clear-ish new image (which I have prescription glasses for) AND my eyes are also projecting the old vision on the background. That is not anything that can be corrected with accurate prescription – and I really donʻt want to have any more eye surgeries again. So, I prefer to use sometimes prescription lenses, sometimes not. Sometimes I go with different color lenses, sometimes with sunglasses. Itʻs MY EYES, and I WANT TO CHOOSE WHAT KIND OF EYEWEAR I WEAR. It may be sunglasses when itʻs dark; I DONʻT CARE ANY MORE WITH PERFECT VISION.

Where was I again before I got sight-tracked (puns intended); oh yes – the November “incident”. Oh, those four days are seriously hazy and full of hallucinations of my memory. It may be some acquired brain damage of those days BUT I WAS ALSO DRUGGED against my will. In December, I was … apparently having more issues. “Behaviors”. Like having a shower in my own home. I donʻt want to talk about it. I am FURIOUS for what I had to go thru in November and in December OUTSIDE MY HOME.


I NEVER WANT TO SEE the “MD”s that drugged me and made me go thru hell.

Iʻm not ready for forgive for those two experiences either. Not without getting at least some good apologies first. As I happen to live in the US of A, that means… letʻs look up for some good ADA-recommended lawyers. Let me ask my M&O trainer and my therapist advice. Let me shop for a new shrink that isnʻt as interested in prescribing DRUGS to their patients as in helping their customers understand their issues. Iʻm feeling very uncomfortable with my shrink; I want one thatʻs got a disability of his own. I donʻt care what kind. Blind, deaf (with a translator), in a wheelchair – it doesnʻt matter what kind. BUT IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE when I donʻt have to feel like Iʻm being judged for being BROKEN and DAMAGED. Damn it – Iʻm just a human being. Iʻm trying to live MY OWN LIFE as happily as I can. I donʻt want to draw attention to myself, I donʻt want to always explain my whole life story to everyone. I want to have my bad eyesight and not fix it – WHY WOULD I CARE about fixing my eyes? Iʻm a braille-reader. I use assistive technologies – I am not functional without them.

Yet itʻs MY LIFE. I want to live in the free world.


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