Oh hey, you still sleeping? Are you asleep? How about now? And now? …

Someone who figures out all these mental – I mean behavioral health, as itʻs called in the politically correct world we live in today, issues, has had some great ideas. So letʻs take someone whoʻs had a shitty 6-12 months of sleep (you know the stereotype that in Northern Europe the sun shines for 6 months straight, and itʻs dark for another six? Oh wait, that stereotype I read about in Brazil. In reality the sun/dark rhythm isnʻt really that bad, but the norther you go the worse it gets.

The people tend to get synced to the light/dark rhythm of where they live, but it can take a few years. And some never adapt to it.

Do you think the light is something we experience only thru our eyes? If you experience light only thru your eyes, good for you.

For me itʻs not as simple. I need dark environments to be asleep, and light to be awake. If I live in a place that has light 24 7 in summer or darkness for the equivalent in winter, my circadian rhythm gets out of whack. Sorry, no summer or winter trips to Lapland or Alaska for me. Like my circadian rhythm gets REALLY out of whack – under 10 hours of sleep in a week whenever Iʻve visited Lapland or other insanely naturally-or-artificially light-polluted location.

So first thereʻs a year full of stress (mother fading away and dying, then also a friend dies). Then thereʻs two months on two stressful trips in Europe. And shitbirds of various kinds to deal with after mumʻs death. Lovely. When the circadian rhythm, and the comfortable life as-it-was-normal-before-all-that-crap didnʻt turn out in a few weeks…

So thatʻs how I ended being observed for my “behavioring”. Oh, what a lovely time.

So, Iʻve told about my history of bad eyes. Yea, let me remind about it again: I have very low vision in the dark. I mean, when my pupils are large, my vision is from blurry to very low vision. Now is the CLEARLY enough explained?

So while I had all these people observe my “behavioring”, and drug me so beyond my eyeballs that… Oh, Iʻm sorry – I canʻt be polite always: F U. “Behaviors”. F U. When I have low vision, I can follow that 1/20 sight, but I need to know what Iʻm supposed to be looking at. Get that? I can go out of my home, run on a trail with strong colored glasses, or go in a coffee shop and buy a drink, but I need to know what my 1/20 is supposed to be. Otherwise… well, tell me what Iʻm supposed to be looking at? How am I supposed to like… shower? Put on my clothes? Oh, and talking about that: whose clothes was I wearing in a hospital? Not mine. And they lost one of my favorite shirts I had had since 1996. Now F U.

So a second try. Oh yea: cleaning in my own home is a behavior now. As if showering and wearing clothes were not bad enough. Like… excuse me: HOW DO I do normal daily life in my own home without some asshat psychiatrist (not someone Iʻd consider a medical doctor) has to describe that… well: having a shower is a behavior? Oh HEY: next time maybe Iʻll need to show what my food pantry looks like. Or how I like to shower… this is getting me beyond angry.

So, oh yea. Letʻs try again to “behavior” better. So this time in a WHITE place. Do you know what blacking out means? It means you lose your consciousness. Have you ever been unconscious?

Have you ever woken up in a hospital and wondered WTF, where TF am I and how did I end up here?

It sucks.

Iʻve woken up in that situation a few times. In Italy, in France (I was mugged and had a concussion), and in USA.

I can also describe you what I mean by whiting out. It means you are kept in a room with lights on, people poking and interrupting you all the time… there is no night. And with no blackness or darkness, I canʻt fall asleep. And while you are in the white “behavior-improving” system, someoneʻs poking at you every 15 minutes. “Are you asleep?… are you still asleep? Are you still awake? How about now? … you still awake?” All night, every bloody 15 minutes. Want to try? I swear, a week of that and youʻll be ready to kill anyone with whatever maximum tool you can find. A colored pencil perhaps. Perhaps a transparent straw, or a plastic fork. At that point, you wish you had a computer or something to write with, so you could just write the next bestseller book. Like one where the bad guy is really blind, and no one realizes that, so he can go around killing people with a braille stylus and transparent straws.

So now, pardon me: Iʻm the master of my own eyeballs. I sleep with a mask. I enhance my low vision by removing the visual acuity. I like it. And because of all these interruptions of my sleep schedule and everything else, Iʻlll be happy figuring out my own day and night time mobility.

But to even get started, like to obtain a state ID, Iʻll need someone help me understand some forms I need to fill…


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